B E H I N D / T H E / B A R

It’s another restless night that has led to an early morning rising.  My alarm won’t go off for another hour yet, but I’ve tossed and turned, until I simply had to just get up.  

My brain space is at capacity. So many thoughts running through my head and I don’t have room for all of them up there.  If the average brain weight is 7lbs, mine feels twice as heavy.  

After a long weekend, I’m back at it today.  Looking at my list of bills to pay, watching the bank balances, watching our point of sale numbers come in through out the day.  

“Will it be a good sales day?”  

“Did I pay that bill?”

“I need to check to see when that invoice is due. It seems like it’s close.”

“Today is payday.”

“How much longer do I have to pay on that debt, I think we’re close to paying it off.”

Our expenses and our income seem to be neck and neck with one another.  I wish the former were less, and the later were more.  We sure could use some more capacity.  

And so I pray – “Give us this day. . . .” 

And while I’m trying to silence what feels like a crying baby in my head, an entirely different set of questions come barging into the crowded head space.  

Space.  We’re at capacity at RiverChurch.

“What are we gong to do about more space on Sundays?”

“Our kids need more space.”

“Our “gathering room” is full, and the cafe side feels more like a lobby than an overflow.”

“I didn’t even get to talk to the new couple that sat over there last week.”

“Where do we go?”

“We have to stay downtown close by where we are, that’s where we’re supposed to be.”

“What about the Cadence, where can the church and cafe go together?”

“Where do we find more space and how do we pay for it?”

Then the questions take a turn to more “what if” type questions.  I’m familiar with those. I don’t mind them so bad.   Sometimes “what if” questions are fun.  They feel more like dreams rather than dreaded night mares. . .

“What if we had space for a 24/7 prayer room?”

“What if we had co-working space for the non-profits that are represented inside of RiverChurch?”  

“What if we had space for the counselors in our church to meet with people who needed counseling?”

“What if ????”

And so I pray – “Enlarge our territory. . . “

Okay . . . maybe now I can drift back off to sleep . . . until another clanging set of thoughts come crashing in to the crowded room of my brain . . . 

“Today’s a full day.  Guys group at 7.  Short meeting at 9, another at 10, weekly lunch with a friend at noon, and then that big meeting at 2.”

“Jay’s baseball at Snow Hill, and then Ari’s first softball game in East Brainerd.”

It’s going to be a long day till I’m back here in my bed.

“Then there’s tomorrow . . .”

“Ah yes, my 9 am with the pastor from Mozambique”

MOZAMBIQUE!!!!!!  

He wants to be a RiverChurch in Mozambique.  “Lead me”. “Cover Me.”  “Help me know how to reach my people here in this dangerous country where Christians are running for their lives.”  

“How?”

“What does that even look like?” 

“Why am I laying here awake worrying about all of the things I’m worrying about while he’s over there, trying to figure out how to keep his people safe?”

“He’s asking us to help?”

I’m at capacity.   But how can we not help?   

And so I pray – “Only you know Lord. . . . “

There’s more.   

More questions.

More whispered prayers for loved ones, church family, employees.  

More conversations playing on repeat in my head.

More.

My brain feels exhausted.  But I can’t shut it off.  Sleep is a million miles away.

And then . . . . .my alarm goes off. . . . I feel like i’ve lived a whole day already. . . like I’ve hit my capacity at 4 a.m.  

And so I pray . . . .  .